lara

I Give Up.
I need to Let Go.
to Re-Create.


Jesus Christ.
My last entry was 1.5 months ago.
I'm on a creative low.
I'm utterly destroyed by the feeling of failure i feel all around me at trying to get my "art" out there. To be honest, I had a challenge even calling what i do art before September, and now i REALLY feel that label is inadequate.

Rationally, I can say, i haven't really tried to get into the public. I haven't advertised, I haven't done more than two art shows, I'm not a good sales person, but still the realization i have sold NOTHING is overwhelming. Sitting for two days at an art festival, even if it was not my "'scene" and not selling a single thing, well it completely broke my self confidence.

I haven't been able to step foot into my studio. I haven't had any inspiring moments that stimulate my creative juices. It's more "habit" that i whip out my camera than joy.

I'm conflicted. But i know i have to step back.
I was afraid i didn't have the self confidence to "put myself out there" and I don't. I am not up to the rejection. After 41 years of life, and a "love me or leave me" attitude, I admit, i can not handle the rejection.
I have to take a step back.

Start back art journalling. The medium that allows you to feel creativity but allows you the freedom to make something ugly. No one has to see it but me. I need to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. Cause in my haste to just make a bunch of shit to sell i lost that. A woman came into my tent at the last show where i sold nothing and pointed out to me that there was no passion in my work. And although i was, and am, a little offended i know she is abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, i guess i will wait.
Wait for any kind of creative passion returns.
Then channel it in a simple yet hopefully fulfilling way.




thanks for reading.