lara

I've started a new scrapbook which can also be seen at Gauche Alchemy - the technical specifics are there!

However, i wanted to post these pages on my private blog to write some more in depth memories each page brings up. I plan to then print this out and put it behind the layouts in the scrapbook sleeves. 8" x 8" only has so much room!



The first sets of shows i went to were in Chicago at the United Center. It was strangely familiar as i've seen so many shows over the years i lived in Wisconsin there, including a handful of u2 shows. The GA line area hadn't changed at all in 15 years! Same grassy knoll and public housing building that didn't look like it had been updated at all since last i was there circa 2002 i believe.

I met several friends, old and new, and we stayed at a house near by. I got in the day before the first show and we did some sight seeing. Then the day of the show woke up early (6:15am early) to go "check-in" in the GA line. For those who don't know, U2 GA lines are SERIOUS business. There are rules and regulations, all fan enforced, and there are check-ins starting 24 hours before the show. If you don't show up to 1 of the 4 you're booted to the back! Thankfully, i was with line pro's who showed me the ropes and we were all in the top 25 to the front.

After checking in we decided to "stalk" the band. We all had various reasons why. And these pro's i was with knew where to go. But more on this later...

The SHOW. The WHOLE reason for this mini-vacation!

The stage set up for this tour is pretty spectacular - for any sort of fan. The people I was with had seen many shows and knew the best places. So the first night we stood by the "B" stage which is where the band performs about a third of their show and it's mostly stripped down versions of the songs. The second night we were up by the main stage which is a whole different experience and truly neither is better than the other one. I must give a slight edge to the place we stood at by the main stage because Bono's voice sounded so crisp and clear there - there must have been a dedicated speaker there or something.

I adored being up close for all the shows i saw. You got to see what professionals these guys are. Yet they are still able to create an intensely personal show. Especially being at the B stage which felt quite intimate. You could see all the cues, all the band communication, all the humanism. I loved how on newer songs Bono had to read the lyrics off a MacBook screen!



Anyways things that really knocked me out about these shows and setlists.

First, Bullet the Blue Sky. For a song that came out in the late 80s they always seem to give it a new life with every tour and this is no different - it's INTENSE. Like leave your body and drive you mad out of your mind intense. Bono really works through some white guilt during the IE version arguing with himself about becoming an American and not recognizing the person he's become. Just. Just.

Every Breaking Wave is another standout performance. It wasn't until i heard this song stripped down to piano and voice did i pay it any attention and thank god the band decided to take it to that level - it's beyond words how gorgeous that song is. And Bono puts SO MUCH emotion into the performance its hard not to be transcended with him. In fact, in NY the last night it literally brought tears to my eyes and made my knees so weak i was thankful to have a railing to grab a hold of.

Seth Apter over at The Altered Page challenged his readers to post photos of their workspace to show that artists get down and dirty - for me, that's where the magic is!

My art table is my old kitchen table because it's waist high - I like to stand when i work because i move around alot, whether it be dancing, lip synching or just reaching for the myraid of materials i have all around the room (not pictured). It's cool i don't have a kitchen table anymore...

I like taking photos of my workspace periodically to document the tools and materials i am obsessed with at the time. I suppose this one illustrates well my obsession with the Gelli Plate and my art journal - it's pretty much all i can do these days. Also love me some stamps, sprays (there's Glimmer Mists and Dylusions) and stencils.

But, yeah, i need to be in a pretty dirty space to create. When it's pristine and clean i don't know which way to go!

This page came about after i started to lose my way, my confidence, my self worth... i just kept repeating the word "refocus" over and over in my head, without really thinking about it...



To tag onto that earlier thought ... the photo i took after a particularly rewarding and liberating boxing session at the gym. I wanted to capture the sweat and the attitude. The Gelli Print behind it was one that had actually gone pretty south - i just did too many layers, yet i didn't want to throw it away. The chaos of it works well with the sentiment!



Well, if these pages don't tell a story of how a week in my life went ... this background is actually a piece of paper i used to clean my brayer, stamps and stencils off between prints. These papers are almost more interesting to me than the Gelli Prints!



And, yes, to end on the optimistic note... i love this sentiment. We are a sum of our experiences, postive and negative - both are needed to feel the other.

As i had known, i've ended up with stacks of Gelli prints! And what better way to use them is to make some art journal pages!

I'm trying something new with the art journal - making the pages and then binding them together at a later date. This is so i can more easily use the Gelli Prints. Question is, how to bind them... but i'm sure i'll figure that out at some point!

It appears to happen every three years or so - Atlanta gets snow and ice for one or two days before the temperature rises back into the 50s and it all melts.



This is my backyard all magical looking around 8:15am. I am so happy i woke up early that morning so I could see this! By 10am it had all melted away.



Those are bamboo trees in the back which usually stand so tall the obscure the building behind them. The weight of the ice bent them over into bushes.



During the summer when all the trees are full of leaves and the kudzu has grown over everything it's a different kind of magical. Especially in June and July when the fireflies are out and the whole area literally looks like a christmas tree full of sparkling lights.



One of my giant metal sunflowers...



And another flower...

Cause i'm a big old nerd, i went to Barnes & Noble this weekend to see my article in Somerset Memories Art Journaling Magazine in the store. What can i say ... I'm proud ...

This is the editors note from the Art issue of Hipstamatic's Snap magazine.
It really hit me like a ton of bricks what he was saying and the disappointment and disillusion I've had with my "art".
Yeah, that's right, I'm going back to putting that word in quotations.
At least as far as when describing whatever it is that I do.

The reason I believe i "failed" at trying to think i could sell my "art" was it was made without emotion.
Before i had convinced myself that perhaps a mass market might be interested in buying my creations, I thought about each piece i made, if it wasn't just for me, who it was for, as most of the satisfaction I get from making things is when i make things as gifts for other people.

I believe alot of things I made, did illicit emotion from me and from other people. That doesn't necessarily make it worthy of being labeled "art" but it served some functions - self pleasure and satisfaction and warmth and comfort for others.

When faced with the pressure that i had set a deadline on myself to do a market, and i should have at least 30 things to sell, probably, is where i lost the plot.

I unknowingly started the monologue in my head
"will other people like this,
will other people i don't know see any worth in this,
will a mass market like this,
how can i recreate the same thing over and over just so i have an inventory..."

i've now ended up with boxes full of SHIT i know i can never sell but i can't really throw away, because, well, it's "art" or some faction of it. And maybe some day i can rip it apart and make something new from it.

Yeah, I'm bitter that i let myself get to that point where i was just pretty much literally throwing paint on a canvas with some photograph thinking naively someone would see some sort of beauty in it. And because of this, it became ugly. Like the "art" Target or Walmart tries to sell.
Souless. Blasé. just, basically, shit.

It didn't feel good to make, there was no satisfaction or joy.
It was like eating an entire pizza knowing you shouldn't.
You still do it but you're miserable as you're doing it and full or remorse after.

So, i took a six month hiatus. Dust started forming on the tubes of paints and jars of mediums.
Piles of ephemera i kept accumulating for some sick reason transformed the studio into a scene you might see on hoarders.
I couldnt bare to step foot in the studio yet i couldnt stop buying cool stuff i felt like i might use someday.
Obviously and thank god I couldn't give up entirely on myself.
Just needed some time to re-evaluate, analyze, recharge.

Learn to trust my voice or at least have confidence in it again.
And slowly i've started to create some things again. Some things that mildly excite me.
Some things i need to figure out a way to destroy and start again in hope of making something that will excite me.

I am having problems finishing things i start.
Not sure if mentally i'm just trying to keep from creating a FAIL piece again so i just don't finish it.
Self protection i suppose.

I'm truly optimistic that my trip to Africa and Paris will ignite some of that passion again.
Whether it be photography or when i get home with mixed media. Or both.
Maybe some day soon I'll be able to remove those quotes around that three letter word with such a massive weight attached to it.

Lessons are always learned, and obviously i learned a HUGE one this last year.
Can't say i won't repeat it, because we all lose our way every now and then, but at least perhaps i have the skills not to fall so far next time.

quantity versus quality.
thats how i fucked myself.
and for that my "art" and my creative soul have become a vacant chasm.

dont know how to even begin again.
and apparently forcing it just makes it worse.

all about cycles.

i just can't pull my shit together to feel creative. last night i had a dream about creating a heart made out of bottle caps. i can't even remember the last time i dreamt about art. i've now tried starting 3 different art journal pages. i get something down for the background then just lose any desire to finish. Cause i have nothing in my head about why i am creating a journal page. i cant think of anything i want to express or say. im just trying anything to get started again. to the light the fire. maybe thats the journal page.

I Give Up.
I need to Let Go.
to Re-Create.


Jesus Christ.
My last entry was 1.5 months ago.
I'm on a creative low.
I'm utterly destroyed by the feeling of failure i feel all around me at trying to get my "art" out there. To be honest, I had a challenge even calling what i do art before September, and now i REALLY feel that label is inadequate.

Rationally, I can say, i haven't really tried to get into the public. I haven't advertised, I haven't done more than two art shows, I'm not a good sales person, but still the realization i have sold NOTHING is overwhelming. Sitting for two days at an art festival, even if it was not my "'scene" and not selling a single thing, well it completely broke my self confidence.

I haven't been able to step foot into my studio. I haven't had any inspiring moments that stimulate my creative juices. It's more "habit" that i whip out my camera than joy.

I'm conflicted. But i know i have to step back.
I was afraid i didn't have the self confidence to "put myself out there" and I don't. I am not up to the rejection. After 41 years of life, and a "love me or leave me" attitude, I admit, i can not handle the rejection.
I have to take a step back.

Start back art journalling. The medium that allows you to feel creativity but allows you the freedom to make something ugly. No one has to see it but me. I need to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. Cause in my haste to just make a bunch of shit to sell i lost that. A woman came into my tent at the last show where i sold nothing and pointed out to me that there was no passion in my work. And although i was, and am, a little offended i know she is abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, i guess i will wait.
Wait for any kind of creative passion returns.
Then channel it in a simple yet hopefully fulfilling way.




thanks for reading.

“If you try to view yourself through the lenses that others offer you, all you will see are distortions;
your own light and beauty will become blurred, awkward, and ugly.
Your sense of inner beauty has to remain a very private thing.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom




Welp, first art festival show has come and gone. I think i felt every emotion one could feel in a 36 hour period.
Wild.

Leading up to this milestone I was obsessed, completely overwhelmed with not only planning my booth layout, but creating the art to put in it. Not to mention the many nights of restless sleep as I went over and over in my head the why's, what's, when's, and how's of if i'm good enough, strong enough, bold enough, secure enough...

The day of the show i was up at 4am with adrenaline coarsing through my veins. Alarm had been set for 5:30am but I guess my body and mind didn't care. I got up and putzed around and double, triple, quadruple checked that i had everything plus some and then got out of the house heading for the big day.

Once i got there and found my booth space (a dimly marked number of chalk on cement) the adrenaline really kicked in and i think i had my car unloaded within 5 minutes and tent up another 3 minutes later. I realized around 4am i never actually had set up my tent with the panels and art - just everything individually - so i was most anxious about everything coming together... if the walls didn't fit i was effed basically. I had done hours and hours of research on tent set ups to choose mine and had bought the sizes everyone said to use, but without having put it all together i couldnt be 100% sure.

Two solid hours of tying grid walls on and unpacking canvas pieces and hardware i was ready to go...



Three times i got overwhelmed with emotion during this set up: The first after i got the grid wall up and realized everything was going to work and it looked pretty cool, just as i had envisioned really, and i was so elated i thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.

The 2nd when i unpacked my first piece, took it out of the bubble wrap and placed it on the staging table i realized this is really happening - holy shit - this is REALLY happening. What i've been thinking about and saying i'm going to do for years now has finally happened and I MADE IT HAPPEN. I had tears welling up in my eyes and hair on my arms standing on end.

The 3rd, predictably, when everything was on the walls and the table was set up with MY business cards and pamphlets and i could step back and just look. This was all me - and i did it on my own (obviously had alot of support from friends and family) but i gathered what i needed, i loaded my car, i set things up, i made art pieces and took photographs... hell, i'll admit i felt pride and accomplishment.



My friend, Jen, was who really pushed me into finally doing this. She was selling her own amazing upcycled crafts and together we went through this experience - the ups and downs and really pushed each other to keep going. Couldn't have done it without her and i hope she knows how much i appreciate her and her friendship!

The festival was slated to start at 10am. I sat in my little chair waiting, wondering, watching. And then the let down hit me. And i felt exhausted and completely drained. And worse completely insecure. Confidence completely rattled, doubts swirling around my head. Looking at my booth seeing all the flaws, looking at my "art" and wondering who the hell would even like this slapped together paint and buttony scrapbooky stuff... but, i tried to keep my chin up and kept repeating rational thoughts to myself like how it was my first show and really i was just there to learn...



Although, the festival seemed slow the two days went pretty quickly as i made friends with other artists and occasionally was able to talk about my art to interested patrons.





All in all i couldn't have hoped for a better experience, really. I not only broke even with the festival fee but made an additional $75. I got one show under my belt and am ready to do my next one in two weeks. I made some new contacts and friends and from the feedback regarding my booth and work i plan on working on that over the winter and hopefully be able to get into some of the festivals next spring i've coveted from afar.



in the meantime still got everything on my Etsy site (wink wink)

xoxo

This is EXACTLY what's going on in my head right now... :~(

Another hurdle jumped. Finally posted some Hipstamatic photos on Etsy for sale. I'm curious and nausues to see if they sell. The market is so oversaturated with photography but i really believe in the seven images i printed and am selling as being a little bit different, a little bit unique. And i got them printed on this metallic paper that gives them this crazy depth and color like nothing i've seen before.

Like everything else, we'll see how it goes...

Check them out here!

Just found this photo as i was cleaning off my iPhone - must've had at least 100 photos of sunflowers. And it's always so hard to pick and choose the "best" because, really, who's to say what is the "best"? At the time i didnt think this was worth saving but good thing the Hipstamatic app did.

Other than a photo being in focus and cropped correctly, who's to say the same photo would elicit the same emotion in two different people...? and so it goes on and on as i dive deeper into this thing called selling my "art"

(and yes i still can't use that word to descibe what i create)

I just ordered about 80 prints of a dozen Hipstamatic photos - spending a small fortune since i'm getting them done all classy-like on professional paper with a metallic finish in different sizes. God i hope i can at least make my money back (if not a little extra).

Must be my hormones talking but all of the sudden last night the thought popped into my head "nothing is original, nothing is unique, why the fuck would someone waste money on your shit" oh well ... chalk it up to aunt flo.

Etsy shop open for business!

etsy.com/shop/PixelandPaint

I'm both elated and freaked out... let's see what happens, shall we?

(taken in Hampton, GA - home of Jailhouse Brewery. Sugar Lens and Foxy Film.)


I've made two canvases now with Hipstamatic photos and paint and while i like them, i'm having a mental crisis that no one else will and it occurred to me that now i'm creating to sell and its throwing me all off cause really my pleasure comes from creating to create.

or does it?

the last two years i've been having quite a bit of a challenge sitting down and doing anything artsy or craftsy. Really, the only times i've made anything is when it's for someone else. And while i'm creating for my own enjoyment, ultimately it's the thought of what the person i'm creating it for enjoys or might like. So i guess that is creating for someone else after all . . .

but then all these questions accumulate in my head . . . and i suppose it just all boils down to confidence.
and honestly, some ego.

one thing that's always kept my interest in my own "art" is trying new things. I can't do the same thing over and over like an assembly line. this is another thing concerning me about selling my work - how do i make enough items to sell but keep my own interest while making them? I've come up with some "quick things" that at least at first will definitely be fun to do as they will be new skillz and techniques. I just don't want to become stale or god forbid boring. and the most exciting thing to me is when i produce something i've never seen before - it's what i live for.

I got my first canvas piece done for the new collection i want to sell!
I also got Bono's 2012 Birthday card done this week.
Photos of both to come (of course).

It's feeling good doing a little bit of art every day. Even if it's only for half an hour.

Kind of like a work out but for the soul instead of muscles.

Oooh - i like that!
I'm going to have to remember that!!!

I have high hopes for this weekend.
I've bought 2 glue guns. One i used last night with crayons to drip wax - holy fucking shit that's going to be a new obsession i can just tell.
WAIT.
FOR.
IT.

The other gun will be used to adhere things...
I'm also going to buy resin this weekend and start playing around with photo coasters using hipstamatic photos. i'm really really hoping these turn out as amazing as i'm imagining they are in my head.

I think my motivation has turned a corner now that my period is coming to an end, but we shall see... ugh these periods are killing me as i get older. booooo.

and on that note, i'll just stare at the pretty sunflower photo i took at the Sunflower Festival and breathe.

Years ago I used to keep a blog over at livejournal.
I used to write in it nearly every day - sometimes bullshit, sometimes dreams, alot of times some awesome fucking experiences that i could never forget even though some of the details have faded - but i have the posts to look back on to relive those times with Muse and Casey Spooner et al any time i want.

So, i've had this blogspot for a couple of years but all i was going to use it for was posting art and photos.
I'm bored with that.
And a little empty.
And i think i need a place to start documenting a new journey i'm trying to embark on. And although i have a lovely Moleskine journal i can write in, the thing is, i don't. And when i do i can't read my writing. And even more over since i take an obscene amount of hipstamatic photos i can post them here as i write and experience and feel.

Years ago i was so prolific making art and i miss it like crazy.
Damn divorces and poisonous ex-boyfriends will derail a person i guess.
i've been saying for a solid five years now that i'm going to start doing it again.
And i don't.
And i get pissed at myself and lay on the couch staring blankly at the TV.

Sure, there's been some intermittant projects here and there - all inspired by people's birthdays. I fear i can't create anymore unless there's a reason to. And that goes against everything that i used to believe in.

Do i not need to create for myself anymore?
Do i only feel it neccessary to create if someone else is going to see it?
And selfishly i assume appreciate it?
Does making money off what i could create defeat the purpose of creating?
What if no one buys it?
What if people laugh at it or worse roll their eyes?

But when i'm laying on the couch doing nothing i am barron. I have no desire to just get up and go create something. I take out the art journal, the thing that is supposed to be my playground, my experimentation, the warm-up area, and just stare at it and nothing comes to me. I paint the white paper blue. Still nothing and now i have to wait for the fucking paint to dry. I look around at the piles of crap in the studio that i say someday i will organize and put away but then get overwhelmed and decide to just go back to the couch.

For five years i've had it as a goal to start selling artwork that i make. I don't have the confidence but others tell me i could and should. And with blind faith i will believe my friends who i don't think would just blow smoke up my ass. When my friend Jen asked if i wanted to share a booth at a holiday craft fair with her i jumped at the chance. It will be both of our first times so we can learn together. And in the meantime we can motivate each other to make stuff to sell. And we have a schedule so by the time November rolls around we'll each have about 30 items.

So, we'll see what happens.
In blog format too :)
Cause I'm going to attempt to document all this cause it'll either be totally awesome or totally horrible.

I havent gotten to where i am today by giving into the fear.
And i have grown from allllll the mistakes i've made.
So let's do this shit.

you have been warned...

I've just downloaded about 400 photos for my 365 Photo-a-Day project to catch up!
Here is June 18 - July 15.