lara

Years ago I used to keep a blog over at livejournal.
I used to write in it nearly every day - sometimes bullshit, sometimes dreams, alot of times some awesome fucking experiences that i could never forget even though some of the details have faded - but i have the posts to look back on to relive those times with Muse and Casey Spooner et al any time i want.

So, i've had this blogspot for a couple of years but all i was going to use it for was posting art and photos.
I'm bored with that.
And a little empty.
And i think i need a place to start documenting a new journey i'm trying to embark on. And although i have a lovely Moleskine journal i can write in, the thing is, i don't. And when i do i can't read my writing. And even more over since i take an obscene amount of hipstamatic photos i can post them here as i write and experience and feel.

Years ago i was so prolific making art and i miss it like crazy.
Damn divorces and poisonous ex-boyfriends will derail a person i guess.
i've been saying for a solid five years now that i'm going to start doing it again.
And i don't.
And i get pissed at myself and lay on the couch staring blankly at the TV.

Sure, there's been some intermittant projects here and there - all inspired by people's birthdays. I fear i can't create anymore unless there's a reason to. And that goes against everything that i used to believe in.

Do i not need to create for myself anymore?
Do i only feel it neccessary to create if someone else is going to see it?
And selfishly i assume appreciate it?
Does making money off what i could create defeat the purpose of creating?
What if no one buys it?
What if people laugh at it or worse roll their eyes?

But when i'm laying on the couch doing nothing i am barron. I have no desire to just get up and go create something. I take out the art journal, the thing that is supposed to be my playground, my experimentation, the warm-up area, and just stare at it and nothing comes to me. I paint the white paper blue. Still nothing and now i have to wait for the fucking paint to dry. I look around at the piles of crap in the studio that i say someday i will organize and put away but then get overwhelmed and decide to just go back to the couch.

For five years i've had it as a goal to start selling artwork that i make. I don't have the confidence but others tell me i could and should. And with blind faith i will believe my friends who i don't think would just blow smoke up my ass. When my friend Jen asked if i wanted to share a booth at a holiday craft fair with her i jumped at the chance. It will be both of our first times so we can learn together. And in the meantime we can motivate each other to make stuff to sell. And we have a schedule so by the time November rolls around we'll each have about 30 items.

So, we'll see what happens.
In blog format too :)
Cause I'm going to attempt to document all this cause it'll either be totally awesome or totally horrible.

I havent gotten to where i am today by giving into the fear.
And i have grown from allllll the mistakes i've made.
So let's do this shit.