lara

On the streets of Lomé, Togo

  There's nothing like going to another culture, one drastically different than your own, to make you realize what a small view of the world you actually have.  It's one thing to see photos, movies, tv . . . but another to experience it.

  I write this knowing I am an American.  A Caucasian female at that. And I've become over sensitive to how ignorant I truly am about other cultures.  And how I might offend unknowingly and with disregard, but with total innocence.

  The first day in Lomé we dove into the culture and went to a local market.  It was a culture shock to say the least!  I wanted to photograph everything!  It was the first time experiencing "urban" Africa and it was chaotic and overwhelmed every sense.  It was loud and confusing, smelled like exhaust and a myriad of different produce and fish and felt like dusty heat.  I was constantly aware that my breathing was rapid and adrenaline on high alert. 

  I was bashful about taking photos of people even though I desperately wanted to capture the women walking around with the trays of fish on their heads, trays of coconuts and mangos stacked on their heads, stalls of magnificent looking fruits and vegetables, children running around unfettered . . . But these are people too - just living their every day life, and being one of four white women walking around made me extra self-conscious that they weren't on display like in a musuem.

  Then, the one travel companion, who spoke French, said to me in an amusing way "you're causing quite a stir with your tattoos, many people are talking about them as we walk by" and I asked what they were saying, and she said "they have never seen those kind of tattoos and wonder if they're drawn on with pen or put on by a machine.”  I've become so oblivious to people looking and didn't realize how even more out of place I must've looked!  But once I started looking around more at people looking at me I realized how many were just staring, wide-eyed, not with any disdain, just a bit of curiosity.  Then a man walked past me and took a photo of me with his phone which kind of made me feel it acceptable to start taking photos as well.  Not in an obvious manner, but it just goes to show everyone has a view of the world they live in and we don’t often get to see parts of it we didn’t know existed. Everyone is on display in one way or antoher...

  Here are some photos taken with Hipstamatic on iPhone 4S, that, to me, illustrate the sounds, sights and smells of the city.  And to those who haven’t visited there, they are more images to log into your mind of a particular culture from an outsiders view.






















and here are two other posts about this trip:

Project Day in Benin

Tour of Ganvié

Travel art journal is complete for my upcoming trip to Africa and France!





The covers are made with chipboard, covered in tissue paper then painted.
For the pouch that holds the pens, tape and glue i used an old report cover, Inside is various scrap paper and envelopes to put things in.

Inside cover:



Can't wait to fill this baby up!

got a spring time pedicure complete with flowers :)

Cleaning off some old SD cards i found photos of this piece i made last fall for a friends birthday.

I really enjoyed making it and i'm putting it here to maybe remind me in the future when i'm stuck (again) what can be done with some texture, some buttons and wax. Oh and acrylic paint, of course.

This is the editors note from the Art issue of Hipstamatic's Snap magazine.
It really hit me like a ton of bricks what he was saying and the disappointment and disillusion I've had with my "art".
Yeah, that's right, I'm going back to putting that word in quotations.
At least as far as when describing whatever it is that I do.

The reason I believe i "failed" at trying to think i could sell my "art" was it was made without emotion.
Before i had convinced myself that perhaps a mass market might be interested in buying my creations, I thought about each piece i made, if it wasn't just for me, who it was for, as most of the satisfaction I get from making things is when i make things as gifts for other people.

I believe alot of things I made, did illicit emotion from me and from other people. That doesn't necessarily make it worthy of being labeled "art" but it served some functions - self pleasure and satisfaction and warmth and comfort for others.

When faced with the pressure that i had set a deadline on myself to do a market, and i should have at least 30 things to sell, probably, is where i lost the plot.

I unknowingly started the monologue in my head
"will other people like this,
will other people i don't know see any worth in this,
will a mass market like this,
how can i recreate the same thing over and over just so i have an inventory..."

i've now ended up with boxes full of SHIT i know i can never sell but i can't really throw away, because, well, it's "art" or some faction of it. And maybe some day i can rip it apart and make something new from it.

Yeah, I'm bitter that i let myself get to that point where i was just pretty much literally throwing paint on a canvas with some photograph thinking naively someone would see some sort of beauty in it. And because of this, it became ugly. Like the "art" Target or Walmart tries to sell.
Souless. Blasé. just, basically, shit.

It didn't feel good to make, there was no satisfaction or joy.
It was like eating an entire pizza knowing you shouldn't.
You still do it but you're miserable as you're doing it and full or remorse after.

So, i took a six month hiatus. Dust started forming on the tubes of paints and jars of mediums.
Piles of ephemera i kept accumulating for some sick reason transformed the studio into a scene you might see on hoarders.
I couldnt bare to step foot in the studio yet i couldnt stop buying cool stuff i felt like i might use someday.
Obviously and thank god I couldn't give up entirely on myself.
Just needed some time to re-evaluate, analyze, recharge.

Learn to trust my voice or at least have confidence in it again.
And slowly i've started to create some things again. Some things that mildly excite me.
Some things i need to figure out a way to destroy and start again in hope of making something that will excite me.

I am having problems finishing things i start.
Not sure if mentally i'm just trying to keep from creating a FAIL piece again so i just don't finish it.
Self protection i suppose.

I'm truly optimistic that my trip to Africa and Paris will ignite some of that passion again.
Whether it be photography or when i get home with mixed media. Or both.
Maybe some day soon I'll be able to remove those quotes around that three letter word with such a massive weight attached to it.

Lessons are always learned, and obviously i learned a HUGE one this last year.
Can't say i won't repeat it, because we all lose our way every now and then, but at least perhaps i have the skills not to fall so far next time.

Haven't done an art journal page in months but i've been missing this guy this week as we come upon the 1st anniversary of his leaving this world.

Quotes:

From Pass the Mic - "I give thanks for inspiration ... it guides my mind along the way"

From Namasté - Dark is not the opposite of light ... it's the absence of light"

I've been really enjoying the C-type Plate and D-type Plate films that Hipstmatic released a couple of months ago!

A couple of photos using these films...

C-type Plate film:


One of my favorite so far, this is using the Janes Lens and C-type Plate film


Another Janes Lens and C-type Plate film. From FDR State Park in Pine Mountain GA


Libatique Lens and C-type Plate film also from FDR State Park - this is a statue of FDR at Dowdells Knob.


Janes Lens and C-type Plate film

D-type Plate film:


Another view of the status with John S lens and D-type Plate film


From the front with Jane lanes and D-type Plate film


Tinto Lens and D-type Plate film in the late afternoon


Tinto Lens and D-type Plate film

Whoa Nelly - how has it been since June that I've not posted Hipstamatic photos? Thats crazy talk!
Its nice to have them here, as opposed to just flickr, so i can look and remember....

Wow. OK. Here's some miscellaney that was taken between August and October...

This was taken at magic hour in early August at the Brickstore Pub. I noticed the sun shining in through the window at the perfect angle backlighting the beer i was drinking:


Also in Decatur there is a statue of a bunch of kids playing in a fountain. I had taken a similar photo to this the year before but i wasnt quite centered right for my tastes, so i retook it and now it's lovely:


from the top of Stone Mountain with the Atlanta skyline in the background on a gorgeous early fall day:


I visited Oakland Cemetery again and shot a couple more statues:




and my favorite:


In mid-September I saw my first autumn leaf, and it looked effing AMAZING on the rusted cement:


Sitting outside there was a row of flowers near me that a butterfly kept flying around on. I was flabbergasted when i took this that my iphone captured such detail and with such clarity that butterfly in mid-flight!


In late September the pumkins started showing up, this was actually taken at a Home Depot!



To see the first eight volumes:
Volume One
Volume Two
Volume Three
Volume Four
Volume Five
Volume Six
Volume Seven
Volume Eight


To see roadtrips via the Hipstamatic viewfinder:
Hipsta Wisconsin
Hipsta House on the Rock
Hipsta Cali
Hipsta Texas
Hipsta South
Atlanta Oakland Cemetary
New Orleans
Washington DC


Everything on flickr:
Flickr Page

quantity versus quality.
thats how i fucked myself.
and for that my "art" and my creative soul have become a vacant chasm.

dont know how to even begin again.
and apparently forcing it just makes it worse.

all about cycles.

i just can't pull my shit together to feel creative. last night i had a dream about creating a heart made out of bottle caps. i can't even remember the last time i dreamt about art. i've now tried starting 3 different art journal pages. i get something down for the background then just lose any desire to finish. Cause i have nothing in my head about why i am creating a journal page. i cant think of anything i want to express or say. im just trying anything to get started again. to the light the fire. maybe thats the journal page.

I Give Up.
I need to Let Go.
to Re-Create.


Jesus Christ.
My last entry was 1.5 months ago.
I'm on a creative low.
I'm utterly destroyed by the feeling of failure i feel all around me at trying to get my "art" out there. To be honest, I had a challenge even calling what i do art before September, and now i REALLY feel that label is inadequate.

Rationally, I can say, i haven't really tried to get into the public. I haven't advertised, I haven't done more than two art shows, I'm not a good sales person, but still the realization i have sold NOTHING is overwhelming. Sitting for two days at an art festival, even if it was not my "'scene" and not selling a single thing, well it completely broke my self confidence.

I haven't been able to step foot into my studio. I haven't had any inspiring moments that stimulate my creative juices. It's more "habit" that i whip out my camera than joy.

I'm conflicted. But i know i have to step back.
I was afraid i didn't have the self confidence to "put myself out there" and I don't. I am not up to the rejection. After 41 years of life, and a "love me or leave me" attitude, I admit, i can not handle the rejection.
I have to take a step back.

Start back art journalling. The medium that allows you to feel creativity but allows you the freedom to make something ugly. No one has to see it but me. I need to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. Cause in my haste to just make a bunch of shit to sell i lost that. A woman came into my tent at the last show where i sold nothing and pointed out to me that there was no passion in my work. And although i was, and am, a little offended i know she is abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, i guess i will wait.
Wait for any kind of creative passion returns.
Then channel it in a simple yet hopefully fulfilling way.




thanks for reading.

Every year africanwellfund.org has an auction called GotWater? that raises money for various clean water projects. This year i have created a special piece and donated it to the auction to be bid on.

It's 8"x8" layered with different acrylic mediums and mixed media. The quote on it comes from Bono and is one of his most well known quote and song lyric. I love it so much i have it tattoo'd on me :D



The photo is taken with Hipstamatic's new double exposure option that i coupled with red and green gel filters. It was taken last week in New Orleans at Metairie Cemetary.

It's placed in a slide casing that i glimmer misted then took a heat gun to to melt it and give it the interesting warpng. The burlap sack is a coffee sack i found at Scrap Box recently - it's for real from Venezuela :D I also used some little tidbits i've been keeping from other projects over the years. I knew they'd come in handy some day.



The background is really layered with a lot of acrylic paint, punchinella stencil and golden mediums. Also i sprayed fluid acrylics and glimmer mists on top of the paint after it dried. I finished it off with some dripped candle wax - it's from a Feng Shui candle i burn that symbolizes Strength.

Bidding is open until November 12 at AWFs ebay page along with many other items.

“If you try to view yourself through the lenses that others offer you, all you will see are distortions;
your own light and beauty will become blurred, awkward, and ugly.
Your sense of inner beauty has to remain a very private thing.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom




Welp, first art festival show has come and gone. I think i felt every emotion one could feel in a 36 hour period.
Wild.

Leading up to this milestone I was obsessed, completely overwhelmed with not only planning my booth layout, but creating the art to put in it. Not to mention the many nights of restless sleep as I went over and over in my head the why's, what's, when's, and how's of if i'm good enough, strong enough, bold enough, secure enough...

The day of the show i was up at 4am with adrenaline coarsing through my veins. Alarm had been set for 5:30am but I guess my body and mind didn't care. I got up and putzed around and double, triple, quadruple checked that i had everything plus some and then got out of the house heading for the big day.

Once i got there and found my booth space (a dimly marked number of chalk on cement) the adrenaline really kicked in and i think i had my car unloaded within 5 minutes and tent up another 3 minutes later. I realized around 4am i never actually had set up my tent with the panels and art - just everything individually - so i was most anxious about everything coming together... if the walls didn't fit i was effed basically. I had done hours and hours of research on tent set ups to choose mine and had bought the sizes everyone said to use, but without having put it all together i couldnt be 100% sure.

Two solid hours of tying grid walls on and unpacking canvas pieces and hardware i was ready to go...



Three times i got overwhelmed with emotion during this set up: The first after i got the grid wall up and realized everything was going to work and it looked pretty cool, just as i had envisioned really, and i was so elated i thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.

The 2nd when i unpacked my first piece, took it out of the bubble wrap and placed it on the staging table i realized this is really happening - holy shit - this is REALLY happening. What i've been thinking about and saying i'm going to do for years now has finally happened and I MADE IT HAPPEN. I had tears welling up in my eyes and hair on my arms standing on end.

The 3rd, predictably, when everything was on the walls and the table was set up with MY business cards and pamphlets and i could step back and just look. This was all me - and i did it on my own (obviously had alot of support from friends and family) but i gathered what i needed, i loaded my car, i set things up, i made art pieces and took photographs... hell, i'll admit i felt pride and accomplishment.



My friend, Jen, was who really pushed me into finally doing this. She was selling her own amazing upcycled crafts and together we went through this experience - the ups and downs and really pushed each other to keep going. Couldn't have done it without her and i hope she knows how much i appreciate her and her friendship!

The festival was slated to start at 10am. I sat in my little chair waiting, wondering, watching. And then the let down hit me. And i felt exhausted and completely drained. And worse completely insecure. Confidence completely rattled, doubts swirling around my head. Looking at my booth seeing all the flaws, looking at my "art" and wondering who the hell would even like this slapped together paint and buttony scrapbooky stuff... but, i tried to keep my chin up and kept repeating rational thoughts to myself like how it was my first show and really i was just there to learn...



Although, the festival seemed slow the two days went pretty quickly as i made friends with other artists and occasionally was able to talk about my art to interested patrons.





All in all i couldn't have hoped for a better experience, really. I not only broke even with the festival fee but made an additional $75. I got one show under my belt and am ready to do my next one in two weeks. I made some new contacts and friends and from the feedback regarding my booth and work i plan on working on that over the winter and hopefully be able to get into some of the festivals next spring i've coveted from afar.



in the meantime still got everything on my Etsy site (wink wink)

xoxo

this piece came out nearly perfectly - from the colors to the texture and the photo that was magically taken one afternoon at a Home Depot!

The photo i took of the piece doesn't do it justice and i am increasingly getting more and more frustrated by my ineptness at photographing my art, but i'm sure i'll figure it out someday. It's probably as simple as getting a new camera, but i think lighting has more to do with it than anything else.



There was a lot of texture created with my current favorite technique of pressing bubble wrap into wet paint then going over the texture it creates with a mist of either golden fluid acrylic or glimmer mists (of which i just ordered eight new colors because i'm c.r.a.z.y.)



This piece doesnt have any text on it either - i've decided to do some without the fortunes to see if they connect with people any better than the ones with the fortunes.