lara

I Give Up.
I need to Let Go.
to Re-Create.


Jesus Christ.
My last entry was 1.5 months ago.
I'm on a creative low.
I'm utterly destroyed by the feeling of failure i feel all around me at trying to get my "art" out there. To be honest, I had a challenge even calling what i do art before September, and now i REALLY feel that label is inadequate.

Rationally, I can say, i haven't really tried to get into the public. I haven't advertised, I haven't done more than two art shows, I'm not a good sales person, but still the realization i have sold NOTHING is overwhelming. Sitting for two days at an art festival, even if it was not my "'scene" and not selling a single thing, well it completely broke my self confidence.

I haven't been able to step foot into my studio. I haven't had any inspiring moments that stimulate my creative juices. It's more "habit" that i whip out my camera than joy.

I'm conflicted. But i know i have to step back.
I was afraid i didn't have the self confidence to "put myself out there" and I don't. I am not up to the rejection. After 41 years of life, and a "love me or leave me" attitude, I admit, i can not handle the rejection.
I have to take a step back.

Start back art journalling. The medium that allows you to feel creativity but allows you the freedom to make something ugly. No one has to see it but me. I need to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. Cause in my haste to just make a bunch of shit to sell i lost that. A woman came into my tent at the last show where i sold nothing and pointed out to me that there was no passion in my work. And although i was, and am, a little offended i know she is abso-fucking-lutely right.

So, i guess i will wait.
Wait for any kind of creative passion returns.
Then channel it in a simple yet hopefully fulfilling way.




thanks for reading.

Every year africanwellfund.org has an auction called GotWater? that raises money for various clean water projects. This year i have created a special piece and donated it to the auction to be bid on.

It's 8"x8" layered with different acrylic mediums and mixed media. The quote on it comes from Bono and is one of his most well known quote and song lyric. I love it so much i have it tattoo'd on me :D



The photo is taken with Hipstamatic's new double exposure option that i coupled with red and green gel filters. It was taken last week in New Orleans at Metairie Cemetary.

It's placed in a slide casing that i glimmer misted then took a heat gun to to melt it and give it the interesting warpng. The burlap sack is a coffee sack i found at Scrap Box recently - it's for real from Venezuela :D I also used some little tidbits i've been keeping from other projects over the years. I knew they'd come in handy some day.



The background is really layered with a lot of acrylic paint, punchinella stencil and golden mediums. Also i sprayed fluid acrylics and glimmer mists on top of the paint after it dried. I finished it off with some dripped candle wax - it's from a Feng Shui candle i burn that symbolizes Strength.

Bidding is open until November 12 at AWFs ebay page along with many other items.

“If you try to view yourself through the lenses that others offer you, all you will see are distortions;
your own light and beauty will become blurred, awkward, and ugly.
Your sense of inner beauty has to remain a very private thing.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom




Welp, first art festival show has come and gone. I think i felt every emotion one could feel in a 36 hour period.
Wild.

Leading up to this milestone I was obsessed, completely overwhelmed with not only planning my booth layout, but creating the art to put in it. Not to mention the many nights of restless sleep as I went over and over in my head the why's, what's, when's, and how's of if i'm good enough, strong enough, bold enough, secure enough...

The day of the show i was up at 4am with adrenaline coarsing through my veins. Alarm had been set for 5:30am but I guess my body and mind didn't care. I got up and putzed around and double, triple, quadruple checked that i had everything plus some and then got out of the house heading for the big day.

Once i got there and found my booth space (a dimly marked number of chalk on cement) the adrenaline really kicked in and i think i had my car unloaded within 5 minutes and tent up another 3 minutes later. I realized around 4am i never actually had set up my tent with the panels and art - just everything individually - so i was most anxious about everything coming together... if the walls didn't fit i was effed basically. I had done hours and hours of research on tent set ups to choose mine and had bought the sizes everyone said to use, but without having put it all together i couldnt be 100% sure.

Two solid hours of tying grid walls on and unpacking canvas pieces and hardware i was ready to go...



Three times i got overwhelmed with emotion during this set up: The first after i got the grid wall up and realized everything was going to work and it looked pretty cool, just as i had envisioned really, and i was so elated i thought my heart was going to leap out of my body.

The 2nd when i unpacked my first piece, took it out of the bubble wrap and placed it on the staging table i realized this is really happening - holy shit - this is REALLY happening. What i've been thinking about and saying i'm going to do for years now has finally happened and I MADE IT HAPPEN. I had tears welling up in my eyes and hair on my arms standing on end.

The 3rd, predictably, when everything was on the walls and the table was set up with MY business cards and pamphlets and i could step back and just look. This was all me - and i did it on my own (obviously had alot of support from friends and family) but i gathered what i needed, i loaded my car, i set things up, i made art pieces and took photographs... hell, i'll admit i felt pride and accomplishment.



My friend, Jen, was who really pushed me into finally doing this. She was selling her own amazing upcycled crafts and together we went through this experience - the ups and downs and really pushed each other to keep going. Couldn't have done it without her and i hope she knows how much i appreciate her and her friendship!

The festival was slated to start at 10am. I sat in my little chair waiting, wondering, watching. And then the let down hit me. And i felt exhausted and completely drained. And worse completely insecure. Confidence completely rattled, doubts swirling around my head. Looking at my booth seeing all the flaws, looking at my "art" and wondering who the hell would even like this slapped together paint and buttony scrapbooky stuff... but, i tried to keep my chin up and kept repeating rational thoughts to myself like how it was my first show and really i was just there to learn...



Although, the festival seemed slow the two days went pretty quickly as i made friends with other artists and occasionally was able to talk about my art to interested patrons.





All in all i couldn't have hoped for a better experience, really. I not only broke even with the festival fee but made an additional $75. I got one show under my belt and am ready to do my next one in two weeks. I made some new contacts and friends and from the feedback regarding my booth and work i plan on working on that over the winter and hopefully be able to get into some of the festivals next spring i've coveted from afar.



in the meantime still got everything on my Etsy site (wink wink)

xoxo

this piece came out nearly perfectly - from the colors to the texture and the photo that was magically taken one afternoon at a Home Depot!

The photo i took of the piece doesn't do it justice and i am increasingly getting more and more frustrated by my ineptness at photographing my art, but i'm sure i'll figure it out someday. It's probably as simple as getting a new camera, but i think lighting has more to do with it than anything else.



There was a lot of texture created with my current favorite technique of pressing bubble wrap into wet paint then going over the texture it creates with a mist of either golden fluid acrylic or glimmer mists (of which i just ordered eight new colors because i'm c.r.a.z.y.)



This piece doesnt have any text on it either - i've decided to do some without the fortunes to see if they connect with people any better than the ones with the fortunes.

This is EXACTLY what's going on in my head right now... :~(

battling a case of the never-ending mondays this week.
and just am fighting with myself about if i'm wasting my time (and money) making all this stuff that is taking up tons of room in my studio and kitchen. Canvas, paper, photos and paint stare at me in the face, almost mocking me, taunting me ... what are you doing with us they shout.



I look at these out of the corner of my eye and fight myself not to grab them and throw them out. Perhaps i need to take a break for a moment ... it is not "art" if it makes me feel like fucking shit, right?



Had a discussion with a fellow artist earlier today.
I asked if one can create art without confidence in themselves.
She said yes. Confidence is an emotion. Art is an action.
But art is made with emotion i said
And she asked whats the difference between a person who wants to make art and an artist? The desire is not the action.

I got so much done this weekend.
It feels so so good.
I'm in a groove and need to hold on for as long as it will have me.



This sleeping angel is just so inspirational to me.
I'm not entirely sure why.
Perhaps its the innocence.
The peace.
The melancholy.




There's alot of subtle texture on this background. All done with Golden Mediums - no wax. Just some molding paste and matte fluid.



and, of course, buttons.



On sale at my Etsy now!

Another hurdle jumped. Finally posted some Hipstamatic photos on Etsy for sale. I'm curious and nausues to see if they sell. The market is so oversaturated with photography but i really believe in the seven images i printed and am selling as being a little bit different, a little bit unique. And i got them printed on this metallic paper that gives them this crazy depth and color like nothing i've seen before.

Like everything else, we'll see how it goes...

Check them out here!

The heart collection . . .









With these i was exploring texture and color along with the use of the a little word made out of beads. They're 5" x 7" and made with acrylic paint, Golden mediums and wax.

Dream.

Love.



Love.

On sale now at my etsy store!

This is a sweet little mixed media piece i just did.
It's 6" x 6", so really it seems little...
The photo is from a statue at The High Museum of Art - i just love the color gradations and the shadows and how innocent the little girl looks. It uses a lens/film combo i generally don't use because i've been so attracted to saturated photos lately but sometimes saturation is just not called for...



I was also super excited to find a page in this old (i mean from 1860 old) book i recently got at a garage sale that had the perfect text for what i was trying to convey! Love it when that happens.

And continuing on with my trend of using fortune cookie fortunes i found a sweet message to cap it off.



it's available at my etsy store for sale :)

Just found this photo as i was cleaning off my iPhone - must've had at least 100 photos of sunflowers. And it's always so hard to pick and choose the "best" because, really, who's to say what is the "best"? At the time i didnt think this was worth saving but good thing the Hipstamatic app did.

Other than a photo being in focus and cropped correctly, who's to say the same photo would elicit the same emotion in two different people...? and so it goes on and on as i dive deeper into this thing called selling my "art"

(and yes i still can't use that word to descibe what i create)

I just ordered about 80 prints of a dozen Hipstamatic photos - spending a small fortune since i'm getting them done all classy-like on professional paper with a metallic finish in different sizes. God i hope i can at least make my money back (if not a little extra).

Must be my hormones talking but all of the sudden last night the thought popped into my head "nothing is original, nothing is unique, why the fuck would someone waste money on your shit" oh well ... chalk it up to aunt flo.

I've completed another mixed media to sell on Etsy and i must say this is my most favorite thing i've ever done! When i stepped back after the final embellishment was added i got goosebumps and said to myself "I DID THIS?! What the WHA?"



Of course, it started out as a complete experimentation with some super old mixture i had made weeks ago to try and mimac wax using a fluid medium. I was curious what would happen if i just poured it on the canvas and stuck things in it. And what happened overjoyed me!

It's so true what they say about happy accidents.



The photo is one i took in New Orleans at St Patricks Cemetary. It's so serene and the fortune cookie fortune i was able to find is a perfect sentiment.

This was also the first piece that i create a frame for the photo with plexiglass and duct tape. It was irritating me that the canvases i make our so textured that the photos tend not to lay flat, so this solves that problem (plus i supposed protects the photo for possibly eternal life.



I know i personally know exactly how dark that darkness can get until the light starts to dawn...



by the way, if you'd like to check it out in the etsy shop you can go here

Etsy shop open for business!

etsy.com/shop/PixelandPaint

I'm both elated and freaked out... let's see what happens, shall we?

Another one of my favorite Hipstamatic photos taken this spring in Ann Arbor is the inspiration for another piece in my "exploration in texture and fortune" collection that will be for sale on etsy tomorrow!



More texture and layers of goodness.



Not to mention found objects... and my favorite combination of colors!

Another piece I've completed for my "Exploration in Texture and Fortune" collection called "Sunshine and Happiness" which will soon be available at my Etsy shop for sale!!!



More experimentation with wax - both from candles and crayons.



Lovely mix of buttons and bottle caps and punchinella and paint!

I think i am partial to this piece because i love the photo so much - taken at a Sunflower Festival a couple of weeks ago. It's one of my most favorite Hipstamatic photos i've ever taken!!!